I just want to survive.......

The past few weeks has been such a struggle for me. I have done so much changing in a short period. Quit smoking, came off medication that Doctors say is much needed that I take. Trying to shed these few pounds that have somehow sneaked their way upon me....No more of my Dr. Peppers and cigs in the mornings to start my day. Can't believe it I am trying to get healthy once again.....

My oldest son has decided to go and stay wih his Dad for a couple weeks and I feel totally lost....I keep on thinking what did I do. Cody will be 15 years old next month and he has been my every existence in my life. I will never forget when I found out I was pregnant with him. I was overfilled with joy......I changed as a person when he was born I was now a Mom.....He was beautiful. I just love him so much and I blame myself for the heartaches he has endured in his lifetime. I have always tried to protect my children from everything.....

I know I am a loving Mother. I take care of my boys. I am here for them and they have always known this. I just need my first born home....Everyone said just give him time he will be back....You know a child doesn't ask to be brought into this world. A child does not ask to have their parents divorce. A child is not suppose to have strangers come into their life to call Step Dad, Step Mom, Step Brother, or Step Sister. God didn't intend for this or it would of been stated in the Bible. So how do I make it better for my precious boys......

I know I cannot go back and change things.....I can look back and know the mistakes I made. I have grown so much because of those mistakes....When it comes to me being a Mother I don't like to admit I may have made mistakes there also. My 12 year old told me I had problems keeping a relationship....This blew my mind. Damn I knew this, but how did my 12 year old see this? Amazing what our children do see.

I have grown to be so cold on the inside. I use to be this warm and loving person....I wore my heart on my sleeve, but you know after so much pain you become numb. It is easier not to love.
When Cody told me he was going to go stay with his Dad for a couple of weeks....I thought to myself fine....I'll cut those emotions off I have for him as I have for others in my life....Then I realized this is my child. How could I dare even think that... much less say it to anyone.

See my four boys are ones that I said would never betray me....They would love me forever....They would always need their Mommy. With Cody leaving me for a couple of weeks I felt like he had done like everyone else in my life....given up on me and left.

Well I have came to the realization....that Cody does love me. He is confused and feels torn.....Even though his Father and I have been divorced...a year ago today, it still affects him. A son needs their Father in their life just as much as their Mom.....So I have to realize I have to share my time with his Dad. It still doesn't make it any easier for me.....

The other night my youngest Clay has terrible leg pains....they call them growing pains. I was back and forth the night having to rub them. I was so tired by 1 am I just laid down next to him in his bed. I felt his little arms wrap around me and he said "I love you Moma and I need you." You talking about words of comfort, they were the best....And this is why I will survive. No matter what illness is placed upon me physical or mental I will endure. Cause in knowing I have 4 sons that will need me til my dying day. Yes they do grow up but they will always have to count on their Mom and I will always be here for them.....