No matter what circumstances we are facing at this very moment. We have to tell ourselves...”I am going to be alright.” Why do we catch ourselves thinking about all the bad? Why do we not look at all the good? Can we just for one brief moment look at what we have to be thankful for.
I think of how many Americans are out of a job....Going daily to apply for jobs so they can provide for their families. Families that are losing their homes due to pay cuts and layoffs. People who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Who do not know how many days they have left ahead of them. Parents who have lost a child. Children that have lost a parent. All the sickness that are in families now.
You know my family has been affected tremendously...From my Husband having to take not one, but two pay cuts... To the threat of losing our home....To losing my Father...Now facing the illness of my Grandfather, the most positive, constant and dependable man in my life. In just knowing that I may lose him....To having to worry about my children because of the decisions and mistakes I made in my past that may be having an effect on them now. I can get so overwhelmed with all the negative.....Then I have to stop myself....
I start looking around at what I do have. A home for my family. A way to get back and forth to work. Maybe there has been pay cuts, but we are still getting a paycheck....I had my Father in my life for 34 years....My Grandfather, I have the comfort of knowing that he has eternal salvation, that if it is God's plan to take him out of this world he is going to be reunited with his son (My Daddy)...That I had my Grandfather in my life for these many years. I have friends in my life that really do care for me. A Husband that no matter how much I try to push him away, he continues to fight to get even closer to me....Hmmmmmm....he just may love me. That my children are physically healthy. That God did choose me to be their Mother and I can go on and on of all the good. Astounded to see there is so much more of the good then the bad. It was then I told myself “I am going to be alright.”
How much I have to be thankful for..We think of Thanksgiving as a day to be thankful. Everyday we should count our blessings and be thankful for all the good that is in our life and the bad....Cause surviving through the bad, brings us to greater things.
Many who may read my blogs, notes or whatever you may call them....may think I am a person who is hurting on the inside. Part of that is true, I think we all have a small amount of pain within our souls. Some do have more than others, but it is how we find a way to release that pain that is more affective for us. For me it is writing. My release is sharing my life with others. Yes, I take a chance to be laughed at, to be judged. I want to be accepted by others, but if they cannot accept me for who I am “Angel” then no need for their acceptance.......If my mistakes can help just one person not make the same and it changes their life for the good.....Then my mistake took a turn for the good.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I just want to survive.......
The past few weeks has been such a struggle for me. I have done so much changing in a short period. Quit smoking, came off medication that Doctors say is much needed that I take. Trying to shed these few pounds that have somehow sneaked their way upon me....No more of my Dr. Peppers and cigs in the mornings to start my day. Can't believe it I am trying to get healthy once again.....
My oldest son has decided to go and stay wih his Dad for a couple weeks and I feel totally lost....I keep on thinking what did I do. Cody will be 15 years old next month and he has been my every existence in my life. I will never forget when I found out I was pregnant with him. I was overfilled with joy......I changed as a person when he was born I was now a Mom.....He was beautiful. I just love him so much and I blame myself for the heartaches he has endured in his lifetime. I have always tried to protect my children from everything.....
I know I am a loving Mother. I take care of my boys. I am here for them and they have always known this. I just need my first born home....Everyone said just give him time he will be back....You know a child doesn't ask to be brought into this world. A child does not ask to have their parents divorce. A child is not suppose to have strangers come into their life to call Step Dad, Step Mom, Step Brother, or Step Sister. God didn't intend for this or it would of been stated in the Bible. So how do I make it better for my precious boys......
I know I cannot go back and change things.....I can look back and know the mistakes I made. I have grown so much because of those mistakes....When it comes to me being a Mother I don't like to admit I may have made mistakes there also. My 12 year old told me I had problems keeping a relationship....This blew my mind. Damn I knew this, but how did my 12 year old see this? Amazing what our children do see.
I have grown to be so cold on the inside. I use to be this warm and loving person....I wore my heart on my sleeve, but you know after so much pain you become numb. It is easier not to love.
When Cody told me he was going to go stay with his Dad for a couple of weeks....I thought to myself fine....I'll cut those emotions off I have for him as I have for others in my life....Then I realized this is my child. How could I dare even think that... much less say it to anyone.
See my four boys are ones that I said would never betray me....They would love me forever....They would always need their Mommy. With Cody leaving me for a couple of weeks I felt like he had done like everyone else in my life....given up on me and left.
Well I have came to the realization....that Cody does love me. He is confused and feels torn.....Even though his Father and I have been divorced...a year ago today, it still affects him. A son needs their Father in their life just as much as their Mom.....So I have to realize I have to share my time with his Dad. It still doesn't make it any easier for me.....
The other night my youngest Clay has terrible leg pains....they call them growing pains. I was back and forth the night having to rub them. I was so tired by 1 am I just laid down next to him in his bed. I felt his little arms wrap around me and he said "I love you Moma and I need you." You talking about words of comfort, they were the best....And this is why I will survive. No matter what illness is placed upon me physical or mental I will endure. Cause in knowing I have 4 sons that will need me til my dying day. Yes they do grow up but they will always have to count on their Mom and I will always be here for them.....
My oldest son has decided to go and stay wih his Dad for a couple weeks and I feel totally lost....I keep on thinking what did I do. Cody will be 15 years old next month and he has been my every existence in my life. I will never forget when I found out I was pregnant with him. I was overfilled with joy......I changed as a person when he was born I was now a Mom.....He was beautiful. I just love him so much and I blame myself for the heartaches he has endured in his lifetime. I have always tried to protect my children from everything.....
I know I am a loving Mother. I take care of my boys. I am here for them and they have always known this. I just need my first born home....Everyone said just give him time he will be back....You know a child doesn't ask to be brought into this world. A child does not ask to have their parents divorce. A child is not suppose to have strangers come into their life to call Step Dad, Step Mom, Step Brother, or Step Sister. God didn't intend for this or it would of been stated in the Bible. So how do I make it better for my precious boys......
I know I cannot go back and change things.....I can look back and know the mistakes I made. I have grown so much because of those mistakes....When it comes to me being a Mother I don't like to admit I may have made mistakes there also. My 12 year old told me I had problems keeping a relationship....This blew my mind. Damn I knew this, but how did my 12 year old see this? Amazing what our children do see.
I have grown to be so cold on the inside. I use to be this warm and loving person....I wore my heart on my sleeve, but you know after so much pain you become numb. It is easier not to love.
When Cody told me he was going to go stay with his Dad for a couple of weeks....I thought to myself fine....I'll cut those emotions off I have for him as I have for others in my life....Then I realized this is my child. How could I dare even think that... much less say it to anyone.
See my four boys are ones that I said would never betray me....They would love me forever....They would always need their Mommy. With Cody leaving me for a couple of weeks I felt like he had done like everyone else in my life....given up on me and left.
Well I have came to the realization....that Cody does love me. He is confused and feels torn.....Even though his Father and I have been divorced...a year ago today, it still affects him. A son needs their Father in their life just as much as their Mom.....So I have to realize I have to share my time with his Dad. It still doesn't make it any easier for me.....
The other night my youngest Clay has terrible leg pains....they call them growing pains. I was back and forth the night having to rub them. I was so tired by 1 am I just laid down next to him in his bed. I felt his little arms wrap around me and he said "I love you Moma and I need you." You talking about words of comfort, they were the best....And this is why I will survive. No matter what illness is placed upon me physical or mental I will endure. Cause in knowing I have 4 sons that will need me til my dying day. Yes they do grow up but they will always have to count on their Mom and I will always be here for them.....
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Traumatic ending
On February16th 1992 I had not been feeling like myself, something was not right. I had this feeling that I was with child. I had told a friend of mine my suspicions and off we went to get a pregnancy test. As we are standing in the bathroom watching this stick waiting to see a negative symbol or positive symbol. My heart is racing. I would love to have a child. Everything I have ever dreamed of was to be a Mom. Could I be a good mother at the age of 17? Then I thought, no he wouldn't want a child. What would my parents say. As I look down at the pregnancy test here is this plus sign. I am pregnant. I look at my friend in disbelief just for her to bust out laughing. I'm pregnant. Unbelievable. In the first month of me having sex in my whole entire life I get pregnant.
The next step to take was to go and tell my boyfriend. So off my friend and I go to his house with the test. He is in denial. Oh it cannot be right. He asked me to go to our local health department and take one just to be sure. I am crying cause he is not feeling the way I am. I can see in his eyes he is scared. I go home not knowing what to do. How do I tell my parents. My Dad is going to kill me. The following day a friend of mine takes me to the health department just to confirm I am pregnant. Now at this time it is even more surreal. I come home to my parents already being off of work. I go in and start helping Moma with dinner and he calls. He said well......I told him yes, the next thing I heard on the other end of the phone was a dial tone he had hung up on me. Within thirty minutes he is knocking on my door. You have to understand this is strange for him to be over at my house during the week. My Daddy allowed no dating or company during the week. I am shaking thinking , my Dad is fixing to lose his temper, here I am pregnant. To my surprise my Dad did not say a thing. I was able to walk outside with my boyfriend to talk. I can see the devastation in his eyes. He looks at me in my eyes and tells me we cannot have this baby. He is in tears saying he cannot work at a plant for the rest of his life. He wants to go to college, get a good job. That he loved me, but he was not ready for baby and marriage. My heart is crushed. He proceeded to say he had already made an appointment for me at a clinic for the following Friday. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Here is this man that I love, telling me to kill my child. He was 4 years older than me already graduated high school, could of already had his life on the right track, but since he didn't I had to end this child's life.
I cried that entire night. I prayed and prayed to God. All I kept thinking about was this baby inside of me. This life that I had made with a man I loved unconditionally. I could not see myself with another man. Yet he does not love me enough to be willing to accept this child and help me raise our child together. Here I was to choose between the man I loved or the child that I was carrying inside me. As morning came it was time to confide in my Mom. I could not go to a clinic and do this and not tell someone in my family, plus I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be alright. I will never forget that morning my Mother coming into the bathroom where I was getting dressed and she asked me was everything alright and I looked at her, and I am sure she could see the emotional stress on my face. She asked me “Are you pregnant?” I said yes. She sat down for a few minutes and then asked me what was I going to do. I told her to abort it. Told her the appointment was already made for the following day, where it was and that I would have to miss school for it. Well she said are you sure this is what you want to do? I said yes....even though everything inside of me wanted to say no Moma I want to keep my baby. I had to do this to show the man I had fallen in love with that I truly loved him. My Mom never tried to talk me out of it. I cannot understand why she didn't, why she took lightly that I was ending a life. She chosen a clinic that she thought would be safer for me to go to.
On February 21, 1992 I traveled to Atlanta to an abortion clinic. There were protesters everywhere. I was humiliated. We get inside, my Mom, my boyfriend and I. No one could go back with me. I was there all alone filling out forms. There was no counseling for me....It was like a slaughter house. I remember sitting there in my gown waiting to go into surgery, tears streaming down my cheeks....I wanted my baby, but if I didn't do this, this man, the love of my life would leave me. I chosen a man over my child. I already was gaining weight, my appetite had tripled. My baby was alive inside of me and had no idea Mommy was fixing to end their life. The double doors swing open in front of me and they say its time...All I remember is a well lit area...They lay me on a bed and put an IV in me, during all this there is a monitor and on the screen they are measuring my baby through ultrasound to see how old she is. The last words I hear spoken is 5 weeks and then the bright light faded.
I wake up in a room with 10 to 12 stretchers and other girls laying on them. I thought I was dreaming, but soon reality had hit me. Cause I felt the emptiness inside of me. My child was no longer there. My life changed completely that day. Never have I or will I be able to be the same as I was before that day. Still to this day I do not understand. Why I was being so selfish to put a man before my own child. Now that I am blessed with four beautiful children there is nothing and no one that will come before them. This October my baby would of turned 17. All the things I missed out on. God told me this was my little girl. I imagine how beautiful she would have been. One to play dress up with. I sometimes think I hear her voice asking me “Why”....Why didn't I choose life for her. I never got to feel her arms wrapped around me tightly and hear I love you. I've missed out on so much. This is why I have yet to forgive myself. After this traumatic event in my life is when I lost control....
Again it takes us back how can w love wen we have never been loved at all.......
The next step to take was to go and tell my boyfriend. So off my friend and I go to his house with the test. He is in denial. Oh it cannot be right. He asked me to go to our local health department and take one just to be sure. I am crying cause he is not feeling the way I am. I can see in his eyes he is scared. I go home not knowing what to do. How do I tell my parents. My Dad is going to kill me. The following day a friend of mine takes me to the health department just to confirm I am pregnant. Now at this time it is even more surreal. I come home to my parents already being off of work. I go in and start helping Moma with dinner and he calls. He said well......I told him yes, the next thing I heard on the other end of the phone was a dial tone he had hung up on me. Within thirty minutes he is knocking on my door. You have to understand this is strange for him to be over at my house during the week. My Daddy allowed no dating or company during the week. I am shaking thinking , my Dad is fixing to lose his temper, here I am pregnant. To my surprise my Dad did not say a thing. I was able to walk outside with my boyfriend to talk. I can see the devastation in his eyes. He looks at me in my eyes and tells me we cannot have this baby. He is in tears saying he cannot work at a plant for the rest of his life. He wants to go to college, get a good job. That he loved me, but he was not ready for baby and marriage. My heart is crushed. He proceeded to say he had already made an appointment for me at a clinic for the following Friday. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Here is this man that I love, telling me to kill my child. He was 4 years older than me already graduated high school, could of already had his life on the right track, but since he didn't I had to end this child's life.
I cried that entire night. I prayed and prayed to God. All I kept thinking about was this baby inside of me. This life that I had made with a man I loved unconditionally. I could not see myself with another man. Yet he does not love me enough to be willing to accept this child and help me raise our child together. Here I was to choose between the man I loved or the child that I was carrying inside me. As morning came it was time to confide in my Mom. I could not go to a clinic and do this and not tell someone in my family, plus I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be alright. I will never forget that morning my Mother coming into the bathroom where I was getting dressed and she asked me was everything alright and I looked at her, and I am sure she could see the emotional stress on my face. She asked me “Are you pregnant?” I said yes. She sat down for a few minutes and then asked me what was I going to do. I told her to abort it. Told her the appointment was already made for the following day, where it was and that I would have to miss school for it. Well she said are you sure this is what you want to do? I said yes....even though everything inside of me wanted to say no Moma I want to keep my baby. I had to do this to show the man I had fallen in love with that I truly loved him. My Mom never tried to talk me out of it. I cannot understand why she didn't, why she took lightly that I was ending a life. She chosen a clinic that she thought would be safer for me to go to.
On February 21, 1992 I traveled to Atlanta to an abortion clinic. There were protesters everywhere. I was humiliated. We get inside, my Mom, my boyfriend and I. No one could go back with me. I was there all alone filling out forms. There was no counseling for me....It was like a slaughter house. I remember sitting there in my gown waiting to go into surgery, tears streaming down my cheeks....I wanted my baby, but if I didn't do this, this man, the love of my life would leave me. I chosen a man over my child. I already was gaining weight, my appetite had tripled. My baby was alive inside of me and had no idea Mommy was fixing to end their life. The double doors swing open in front of me and they say its time...All I remember is a well lit area...They lay me on a bed and put an IV in me, during all this there is a monitor and on the screen they are measuring my baby through ultrasound to see how old she is. The last words I hear spoken is 5 weeks and then the bright light faded.
I wake up in a room with 10 to 12 stretchers and other girls laying on them. I thought I was dreaming, but soon reality had hit me. Cause I felt the emptiness inside of me. My child was no longer there. My life changed completely that day. Never have I or will I be able to be the same as I was before that day. Still to this day I do not understand. Why I was being so selfish to put a man before my own child. Now that I am blessed with four beautiful children there is nothing and no one that will come before them. This October my baby would of turned 17. All the things I missed out on. God told me this was my little girl. I imagine how beautiful she would have been. One to play dress up with. I sometimes think I hear her voice asking me “Why”....Why didn't I choose life for her. I never got to feel her arms wrapped around me tightly and hear I love you. I've missed out on so much. This is why I have yet to forgive myself. After this traumatic event in my life is when I lost control....
Again it takes us back how can w love wen we have never been loved at all.......
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